Ronald McDonald Dead at 48
11:15 A.M. EST April 29th, 2009
In a shocking press release issued today from McCholesterol Hospital it was announced that the famous corporate clown, Ronald McDonald passed away due to heart failure yesterday evening at 11:43 P.M. McMountain Time. Mr. McDonald's primary physician, Dr. Mac Nugget told The Juicy Cerebellum, "I cannot believe he lasted this long. I've never seen arteries clogged this badly, before."
For the past few years, Ronald's friends and family had been trying to put him on a healthier diet of side salads and Apple Dippers. "Ronald wouldn't give an inch. He was convinced the food his namesake restaurant had served the longest was also the healthiest" Ronald's brother, Rafiki was quoted as saying in this morning's McDonaldland Times, "I think it was the only way he could swallow the guilt associated with pushing this stuff on kids all his adult life." "Ronald DID have a wide variety of meals but they all started with a 'Mc,'" said Ronald's mother, Hillary McDonald.
Mayor McCheese refused to comment on reports that gigantic robots led by the Hamburgler had taken control of McDonaldland immediately following Ronald's death. A McDonald's spokesman did issue a statement saying that said reports are not a Happy Meal movie tie-in with Transformers 2, Terminator Salvation or any other 2009 summer event movie featuring, "big ass robots."
In a related story, McDonald's had the misfortune of bringing back the McRib, "for a limited time only" a day before widespread reports of Swine Flu hit the news. "I don't know if Ronald blamed himself," said his father Dick McDonald, "but it's too bad we didn't keep that slimy mishmash of pork parts off the damn menu for a few more months." Dr. Nugget says Ronald McDonald's death was in "no way" tied to swine flu.
Ronald's dying words are said to be "I lied."
No further information has been released at this time. The Juicy Cerebellum will keep its readers informed, as new information arises.
-Juicy Cerebellum Press Syndicate
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