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STAR TREK
Review Written by: Alex Sandell

Hopefully I can save a few fellow Trekkies from the trepidation I had going into this film with an honest review from an honest fan of the original series that isn't based in hype. Despite the ludicrous and dismissive tagline, "This Isn't Your Father's Star Trek" and J.J.'s claims that this "wasn't directed for Trek fans," this movie is Star Trek, through and through.

Contrary to what you've heard from the hype machine, this movie isn't the Star Wars version of Star Trek. It isn't a dumbed down version of Star Trek (although the plot gets unnecessarily convoluted in its desire to shoehorn in the original Spock). And no, it isn't even a "reboot" of Star Trek as much as it's an odd sort of prequel/sequel hybrid.

Outside of ten ridiculous, product-placement filled (Nokia, Budweiser, Jack Daniels) minutes with a rebellious Kirk pretending to be Tom Cruise in Mission Impossible; the movie doesn't bother catering to the snot-nosed crowd raised on Michael Bay and Jerry Bruckheimer flicks. There's enough character and story development to send the ADHD gang back to texting tweets to their Twitter accounts (in a stunning moment of hypocrisy, I must remind readers that they can keep up-to-date on all things Juicy by following me on Twitter by clicking here).

While the plot of the new Star Trek isn't on par with the best of what the Trek features have to offer, the action rivals them all. There are enough, "holy fucking shit!" moments in this one movie to fill three. It's worth mentioning again that the story isn't bad, it's just no Wrath of Khan.

With technical jargon, fist-fights, mind melds, a villain bent on revenge and Kirk in full-flirt mode; the only thing missing is Jim's shirt being magically torn off to expose his torso mid-fight. The audience I attended the film with had a median age of around 50 years old. These were diehard, lifelong Trek fans. And 90% of them cheered wildly at the end. This may not be "your father's Star Trek," but your father sure is going to love it if he's a Trekkie! 

8 Juicy squirts out of a maximum 10 ejaculations

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©2009 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved]. Copy this without my permission and I'll sing a new song out to the lord of Westboro Baptist Church. Those mother fuckers are psycho, man!