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"Beers are for drinkin' 'til you fall down sick. And if the drinks are free, I'm all for that. So chug 2 gallons in a minute flat. Drinking sudsy water from a plastic cup - looking so pathetic, getting so fucked up. But if the kegs R4 kids, I hope we never run out of beer!" 
Sloppy Seconds:
Sloppy Seconds Endless Bummer Cover Art
Endless Bummer

Ten years have passed since the release of Sloppy Seconds' last full-length studio album and my consequent interview with the lead-singer and lyricist of the band, B.A.. Both The Juicy Cerebellum and Sloppy Seconds were on the brink of making it big at the time. I had just been accepted as a critic for Rotten Tomatoes (after playing editor to what would have been a grammatically ugly, typo-filled site if I hadn't given a shit) and had begun receiving press invites to advance screenings of any and all movies along with a few interests in purchasing or partnering with this site from the corporate types (one that I still regret turning down). Sloppy Seconds had just released a record on Nitro Records -- an upstart label created by then punk-phenom, Dexter Holland of The Offspring. Inevitable stardom for the band and the site seemed to be mere moments away.

That was then.

Here we are a decade later with my ass having given up on the petty politics of Rotten Tomatoes, PR firms, film studios and film critics in general. I'm now writing free reviews for
Netflix and being paid a pittance for meatier critiques from a small, offline publication.  I don't know what the fuck Sloppy Seconds are doing, but when I heard from B.A. last year, he was pretty excited about the upcoming "Endless Bummer" album and doing another interview with The Juicy Cerebellum. And he still wasn't a rock star, just like I wasn't lead film critic for Rolling Stone with blurbs such as, "Best movie so far this year!" in the marketing for some lame comedy released on the first day of January.

So why aren't either of us embarrassed about the aceless cards we've been dealt (B.A. starts off this new record pretty much bragging about Sloppy's failure to make it big)? Because, despite limited airplay on MTV, no acceptance by the "cream of the crop" film critic lemmings, no sold-out arena tours and no multi-million dollar purchase of
The Juicy Cerebellum from Google, I'm still making a kick ass webpage and, with "Endless Bummer" as his witness, B.A. is still making kick ass music.

And doing what you want to do and making a living doing it is about the greatest fucking thing a person could ask for. Well, doing what you want to do, getting filthy rich off of it and discovering a beer that doesn't cause hangovers is probably the greatest fucking thing a person could ask for, but coming in second in the Department of Dreams ain't too shabby. Which brings me to the
Juicy review of the newest Sloppy Seconds' junk rock masterpiece, "Endless Bummer."

DIY Till We Die!:
"Have you heard about the latest craze? Was it just a passing phase? Do you wanna have a rockin' band, or just a flash in the fuckin' pan? Do you wanna turn the other cheek, for the fucking flavor of the week?" First thing I thought when I read the title was, "What's B.A. talking about in our interview when he says, 'our goal is to reach as many people as we can. Speaking as a band that's been fucked over by a lot of supposedly 'DIY' labels, that's a lot more demeaning than the kind of blood-thirsty attitude you'd expect from a major label.'
" Then I started the song and heard him belch out, "play that piece of shit" and I didn't give a toss, anymore. The comments were made a decade ago. This shit is playing, now. And even if the rest of the record sucks, this one mother-fucking song makes the 10 year wait worth it!

10 (on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the best.  And, if you didn't know that 10 is the best, you should probably go blow your brains out.)

Kegs R4 Kids:
"Beers are for drinkin' 'til you fall down sick. And if the drinks are free, I'm all for that. So chug 2 gallons in a minute flat. Drinking sudsy water from a plastic cup - looking so pathetic, getting so fucked up. But if the kegs R4 kids, I hope we never run out of beer!" It's the 21st Century version of "So Fucked Up!" No lines as memorable as the one about the "Technicolor yawn" (that shit was pure genius), but the song is catchy as alcoholism during 2-for-1 night at the pub and will stick in your brain until it atrophies from too much booze. Only complaint is that B.A. is using a deeper gravel voice than usual -- a voice not heard since Pubic Beat on one of the 7 inchers in the mid-80s. 


I Don't Wanna Go Out With You:
"The dinner was lousy, the movie was crap, you spent the whole night with your head in my lap ... so, I really don't wanna go out with you and I never will anymore." Even when he's uninspired, B.A. comes up with some of the best snotty lyrics to fill up a song. How many retreads of Ramones' "I Don't Wanna Walk Around With You" can a punker endure? Apparently, one more.


You Can't Kill Joey Ramone:
No, no, no - Joey don't go. Hey, hey, hey - don't take Joey away." Maybe sentimentality has gotten the best of me, but this is the best fucking song Sloppy Seconds has done in 15 years. When Joey died (read my tribute here) I tried to put on my best "optimist face" because I thought that's what Joey would have wanted. I wrote, "I think all of us should stop and put a single rose, a tube of glue and a pair of Converse All Star shoes in the Pet Sematary, and take a couple of minutes to remember the man who finally made rock and roll real. Joey would be the first one to tell us that anything more than a couple of minutes is just too damn long." But here we are, 8 years later, and now we know that a decade won't be enough. In many ways, punk died with Joey. And somehow "You Can't Kill Joey Ramone" explains why. Not so much in words (although the words are great), as in feel. I can feel B.A. pounding against a wall he cannot break. A moment he cannot change. A hero he can never get back. It breaks my heart and becomes an anthem, all at the same time. 


Thanks for the Mammaries:
"In every city, wherever I roam, I'm looking for a girl from a broken home, to drop out of school, do lots of drugs, take off her top and show us her jugs.
Definitive proof that Sloppy Seconds still doesn't give two craps about political correctness. Is this a salute to strippers, or a mocking of them? Does anyone give a fuck? It's about broken women with no potential in life showing drunk dudes their tits. Does it get any better than that?


Everybody Hates the United States:

"The jealous try to tell us that we just don't care. Everybody hates the United States, so why does everybody try to immigrate? They wash up on the shores of Miami Beach, but they don't wanna dance to the Yankee beat." If this one was written as parody, it did a piss-poor job. If it's meant to be taken seriously, it makes B.A. sound like he's turned into one of the assholes he satirized in the classic "Lynchtown U.S.A." Either that, or like he's auditioning as a lyricist for Toby Keith. If the song's a parody, it fails. If the song's serious, it fails. Only if the song's a Toby Keith audition, does it succeed. I don't dig this xenophobic shit on a Sloppy Seconds' album (exception made for "The whole nation of France" line in "I Want 'Em Dead"). That said, it does have a bouncy rhythm that ex-guitarist Danny "Roadkill" Thompson could have worked wonders with. But even with a great tune, a FOX News' commentary would still be impossible to enjoy.


P.O. Box 33046:
I run home and check my email, but it's never from a female. But there's some kid in Boston, who thinks we're truly awesome." This is another one where B.A. is lowering his voice to "Pubic Beat" levels. Sorta wish the lyrics were about something and that the chorus was at least somewhat memorable. This one feels like musical and lyrical padding.


Endless Bummer:
"No job. No education. No sex. No masturbation. No calls. No one here to see me. Take it all away. Tell me it'll be okay. Cuz I don't wanna say life's an endless bummer." Here we're teetering on the serious Sloppy Seconds revealed in full only once on the superb album, Knock Yer Block Off. B.A. isn't willing to take it quite as far as he did with that seminal (and nearly forgotten) release, but even a reminder is enough to put a smile of identification on my miserable face. Pretty punchy tune, too.


Shut Up and Pour Me a Drink:
I'm not in denial, so don't put my life on trial. I never asked for your opinion. So I don't wanna hear your sermon. Nobody's paying you to think, SHUT UP and pour me a drink." Could easily become the theme song of wet alcoholics around the world. This is one of those Sloppy Seconds' numbers that make me wonder why Sloppy Seconds isn't one of the best-selling bands of all-time.


High School Girlz:
"When I was in high school, the girls were really lame.
They didn't like good movies. They didn't like punk rock. They didn't have big boobies. They wouldn't suck my cock." Kind of a "Veronica"-ish punk-rock ballad. You'll be humming this one for days. Unless you have bad taste in music. Or are unable to hum.


Let Me See Your Driver's License:
"I don't wanna go to prison for some statutory rape. Let me see your driver's license or I'm plotting my escape! You tell me that you're legal, but a girl's been known to lie. You can take your learner's permit to the DMV and burn it, but you'll never need to turn it into me." Sort of resembles Destroyed's "Take You Home" but only enough to remind you of how much better than song was. This one is too short (never thought I'd say that about a song) and is as underdeveloped as the majority of girls at a Jonas Bros.' concert. It's sort of fun while it lasts though, and isn't a throwaway.


Lois Lane:
"Lois Lane passed away after work today. We all knew she had the shakes from her morning coffee breaks. She was found in the nude, on her 27th lude. But just don't look up in the sky, cuz he ain't there no more. There ain't no point in waiting on the Man of Steel." I love everything about this song. Only Sloppy Seconds would come up with a heartbreak song regarding Superman and the loss of Lois that doesn't sound like a discarded Weird Al tune. When he says, "Goodbye Cruel Metropolis" I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. And that's always been the magic of B.A.'s lyrics. And the magic of Sloppy Seconds' music has always been to get you dancing and to get song after song stuck in your head. The music in Lois Lane works this magic perfectly and there's now another in a long line of Sloppy songs stuck in my increasingly crowded skull (at this point my brain's running out of space to fit new songs faster than my iPod). 


Achy Breaky Skull:

"That girl had no respect. She broke my heart, so I broke her neck. She'll have no more affairs, since I threw her down the stairs! She's paralyzed, but that's okay. Now whenever I'm in the mood, she's lying there in the nude - and she was always brain dead anyway." Around a year ago I asked B.A. if the new album was going to be as nasty as Destroyed! or somewhere in the safer middle-ground like More Trouble Than They're Worth. He pointed to this song and told me to wait for it. Now I know why. This is, hands-down, the most controversial thing Sloppy Seconds has released since "If I Had a Woman" nearly 20 years ago. Supposedly the pressing of this record was held up because someone at the pressing plant took offense to it and refused to print the album. This song is probably why. Now, B.A., when are we going to get the sequel about the girl who held up the pressing of your product due to a fucking shock-rock joke song? Don't make it another 10 years! Only thing bad about this song? Referencing a hit single that hasn't been popular for 15 years and using it as the title. Then again, Billy Ray himself references the damn thing on Hannah Montana every fucking chance he gets, so maybe it's become retro-cool. But that would imply Billy Ray was once cool, so ...



"I chew my nails. Pick my nose. Spit my nails on the floor and wipe boogers on my clothes." What the hell? Seriously, what the fuck is this? Other than the worst Sloppy Seconds' song ever written? Maybe there's an inside joke here, but this is just terrible.


This is Your Brain on Drugs:

"Good morning. This is your brain on drugs. This is your final warning. Go sweep it under the rug. We really think there's something you should know. And we don't wanna be the ones to say, 'I told you so.'" I've listened to this one again and again (an easy thing to do, as it's a good song) trying to make sense of the lyrics. Is this B.A. repeating the lectures he receives back into the microphone or is this B.A. being a huge hypocrite? This is the, "give me an excuse and a substance to abuse" guy, right? Right?!? Musically, this one sounds a lot like Screeching Weasel. But it's payback, as Screeching Weasel always sort of sounded like Sloppy Seconds and even did their own version of "I Don't Wanna be a Homosexual" titled, simply enough, "I Wanna Be a Homosexual" (at least I've always assumed Ben was basing his homosexual song on B.A.'s). The voice is too deep, once again, but it's a really catchy song to growl along with.


Nightmare Theater:

"Ever since, the seventh grade, Friday nights we'd stay up late, monster movies 10-to-2 -- what the hell went wrong with you? Now your girlfriend makes you go, out to the movie show, but you don't see no horror flicks, just that junk your girlfriend picks. I don't know what you see in her, I'm watching Nightmare Theater, all alone on Friday night, but that's alright with me." Looks like one of "The Men" went traitor. This is such a spot-on nostalgic singalong it's impossible for any monster-movie loving man not to fall in love with it on first listen. The only thing that holds it back from 10/10 ... oh fuck it -- this one is a 10 out of 10. Nothing can hold back Nightmare Theater!


F.F. Sucks the World:

"You're such a self-serving asshole. Treating friends like they're disposable. After everything that you've been through." This is a genuinely pissed-off song. I'm guessing it's about Dr. Roadkill, but I'm guessing there's a 50/50 chance I'm wrong and I'm guessing no one in Sloppy Seconds would ever give it away, anyway. Just wondering if "F.F." stands for "Fat Fuck." But I'm probably overthinking the whole thing. The song is pretty great, but never quite lives up to the potential shown at the beginning when B.A. spits out, "You're such a self-serving asshole." 


OVERALL RATING AVERAGE (not counting the remake at the end of the disc that I didn't review) - Endless Bummer gets a 7.9 out of 10, ranking it as a, "Buy NOW, mother-fucker" release. 

Sloppy Seconds has taken a step in the right direction with this release. I've never disliked one of their CDs, but More Trouble Than They're Worth disappointed me, despite having some excellent songs that are still in heavy rotation wherever my music is played. 

I don't like the extra gravel and deepness/gruffness B.A. added to his voice on this new one, but don't know if that was avoidable. And the lyrical improvement over the last release more than makes up for it.

Despite my brief friendship with Danny "Roadkill" Thompson ending abruptly and badly (if ANYONE has the interview I did with him but took down -- at his request -- send it to me), I don't think Sloppy Seconds will ever be quite the same without him on guitar. His rockabilly-fueled twang was as immediately identifiable with Sloppy Seconds as B.A.'s snotty growl and snarky party lyrics. 

Current lead guitarist, Ace Hardware, is really coming into his own. He just has an entirely different style from Danny that takes some getting used to -- and a record a decade doesn't help the process along (who else is up for a new Sloppy album by the end of the year?).

Endless Bummer is better than 99.999999% of punk records out there (with 18 songs -- 17 of them rated -- the average doesn't make it look as impressive as it really is). Sloppy Seconds usually own the years when they release albums and this one is no exception. 24 years into their career as a band and Sloppy Seconds still proves JUNK ROCK RULES!



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Review of Alice Cooper's "Brutal Planet" CD 

Review of Migraine's "Live at CBGB's" CD

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Everything outside of the Saints of Los Angeles album cover and quoted lyrics are copyright ©2008 Alex Sandell [All Rights Reserved].  Copy this, without my permission, and I'll get you drunk and rape you.

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